pain has overstayed its welcome in my soul

sorry I haven’t been on much lately, I’m going through a lot right now

constantly in a battle with myself between wanting to be extremely cute or sexy as hell lol idk

funny how your entire week can be ruined in a split second

well sorry I just have to screw up the consistency of everything

CAN’T HELP IT THAT OM FUCKING WEIRD AND STUPID OKAY

I GOT MY FIRST JOB
YES IT IS TRUE
I AM EMPLOYED NOW

wow
so I had this honors society meeting tonight, and I don’t even know why I was surprised my mom didnt even want to go. So I show up and of course EVERYONE ELSE’S family is with them taking pictures of the event and I’m just sitting by myself because I have no one. And on top of that, I turned in my forms to my professor and everything but he forgot so he didn’t even put my name on the list of new members so it’s like I shouldn’t even be there. It was a huge embarrassing mess.
Then I come home, and at 8 I tell my mom she should order a pizza because I just really wanted one, so she said she would AND HERE I AM WAITING FOR MY PIZZA FOR AN HOUR and it’s not here yet so I ask her if she ordered it and she said she changed her mind, but whatever, it’s not like she should tell her daughter that hasn’t eaten at all and is waiting for food. So then finally at 10 I decide to go downstairs and make myself some actual healthy food but then my mom yells at me and says I can’t because ill make a mess so i stormed into my room angry and hungry and I just want to live somewhere else.

i had a dream of being in this white hallway with this little girl, who for some reason i was so extremely mean to. i swore at her, told her she was hideous, told her how stupid she was, and i was evil and it was something that i could never see myself doing to anyone. then something changed inside of me and i started breaking down crying and she came and offered me a hug and i realized how sweet she was, and i felt so sorry for getting my tears all over her. then a doctor came and informed me that she was due to go to a surgery in a few minutes, and how she had already been through so many, but she was strong.

i finally figured out that i am the little girl, and i am also myself. i am cruel to myself.

what an awakening.

I’ll never be more than ordinary
I’ll never become what I always hoped I would be
Ill never feel my happiness is true
But that’s all fine if I still have you

why do I always manage to somehow feel insufficient